From My BFF- Vacation With Agoraphobia.

*from Manda- I started driving 3 months ago! After 2 years. 10 years of depression, PTSD, functioning agoraphobia and then being mostly housebound. You are never alone and it CAN get better!Going out was miserable…… Drum roll, please……..

For anyone who deals with anxiety/panic attacks/depression and/or any other type of mental illness- I want to tell you how important it is to have at least ONE person in your life who understands what you’re going through, is empathetic, non judgmental, and accepts you for who you are. It makes such a difference.

My best friend, Manda, lives in Georgia. I live in New Jersey- that’s a good 850+ miles apart. We’ve known each other for over 20 years.

She’s been my rock and has been there for me through good and bad times, and Vice versa. We’ve had maybe two “fights” throughout our friendship- and each time we were able to talk through it and forgive each other (to be honest, I don’t even remember what the fights were about!)

We have different views on certain things- but the amount of love and respect we have for each other makes it so that we never offend each other, and we each know that we would never intentionally offend each other.

We both deal with severe anxiety and panic disorders and depression among other stuff – and we are always there for each other! We’ve overcome so much lately!

Manda and her husband were here from March 7th-March 12th. They FLEW here! That is HUGE for Manda! (I am PETRIFIED of flying. I’ve never been on a plane – I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get on one). I am so incredibly proud of her, because even though she was so scared and was so anxious, she did it !!!

**********This was someone who was agoraphobic about 6 months ago, then one day she got up and started driving again- and then started slowly going into stores. And then came here !!! I’ve been dealing with depression and awful anxiety recently (worse than ever!) and her coming here helped me tremendously. She gave me the courage, confidence and help I needed to help pull myself out of the dark place I’ve been in!******

When she got here, we kicked our anxieties ass! I drove us places (driving is super hard for me- I get bad anxiety when I drive) with no anxiety at all, we went into stores and restaurants (something that is not easy for Manda or myself).

We went into NEW YORK CITY (my happy place and Manda likes it but it can definitely make her anxious) to a restaurant (Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde), then to the Starbucks Reserve!!! – with little to no anxiety or panic! Even while driving through the Lincoln Tunnel!

While here, Manda took Uber to some places (something she’s not used to), and we even had a picnic in the park !!

We both did so amazing and overcame so many obstacles that would have thrown us into a panic attack (if we would have been alone we would have text or called each other at that point to help calm each other down).

So many times we think we can’t do certain things. We doubt ourselves. We say “I can’t.” While I don’t believe we should depend on others- it’s so important to have a good support system – even if it’s just one person who understands exactly what you’re going through.

Manda is my BEST FRIEND. She’s my SISTER. We had an amazing time while her and her husband were here. We laughed so hard our sides hurt.

Find yourself a Manda…. everyone needs a Manda in their life!

Don’t Panic!

We are in unchartered waters. We are sheltering in place, or not, we should be home. But, people are panicking and though, it’s understandable, it helps nothing.

It’s such a weird thing no planes going over my house, by the worlds busiest airport, reminiscent of 9/11. But, this enemy can’t get it’s ass kicked in a war with hands! Except doctors and nurses. Except, following social distancing rules, except keeping your hands off of your face.

I had ten…maybe more…panic attacks today. While looking at google, I found an article about what this woman learned from having H1N1. Why she’s not panicking….though we all know this is worse.

She became ill, the dr told her, she flipped shit, and walked into her bedroom, to quarantine herself. She went through hell…a hell that I know and recognize and not once did panic prevent it, nor worrying, that doesn’t help!

So, take care if each other. Stay in touch with social media. Video chat, do not allow yourself to get so very depressed. We will grieve our losses…losses of freedom for now, losses of seeing family, of celebrations and events. It’s okay! But, take care of yourself, stay busy, stay safe, stay home!

✌️❤️🌍 ☝️

A wish for ALWAYS!!

Bam! Purpose…

In 2009, I almost died. Pregnancy and the H1N1 virus did not mix. As you read this… you’ll realize I’m alive. 🙃🙃.

It hit me…occurred to me recently that I’m here for a reason. I’m helping a lot of people… with anxiety. I’m one of six people that run an online support group. I’m totally committed to this as it’s my passion.

So, maybe I went through ARDS, pneumonia, MRSA, sepsis….. for a reason. Maybe I survived for a reason. I’ve never thought of it until recently. (Losing our baby …. there’s no damn reason)! Perhaps I’m here to help my best friend or a stranger. I’m going to keep reaching out, keep busy, and yes …. Remember to take time for my own mental health (helping others and humor has always helped me.)

✌️ ❤️ 🌎 Unity!

The universe prepared me!


I see people washing their cars (not six feet from each other) and flicking to parks…I want all of us to come out of this and come out of it on a better side.

I think some people are NOT as unified as they could be…or even worried. It’s common to have the untouchable feeling. Then when it happens some wonder why it happened.

I can’t go into my story… simply I was in the hospital for 2009’s H1N1. It * wasn’t as bad* as the Coronavirus.

My hope is that we all, in the coming days, take heed of warnings… and do as we should do.

Stay at home if you can.

#alonetogether #staythefuckhome



With all that is currently going on, I cannot believe I am saddened by losing a ~friend~of over 20 years. I just, I am shocked, amazed, appalled, and deeply hurt.

I hate this feeling. I know it is for the best….now is not the time! Now is the time to unite, to take care of each other, not crush others….but, when IS a good time to leave someone feeling as if they are garbage in your eyes?

Sigh! Happy Spring!

My last visit to Rockaway, NY!

I Am Terrified.

I need your love, reassurance, support. I am terrified.

I have never had the Coronavirus, but it triggers my PTSD. Maybe no one understands how this is possible.

It’s the same feelings… terrified, no control, crying out but nobody hears, feeling helpless, the unknown, not knowing.

So, I am needy and I have been through hell. I realize others were there… they suffer with their own demons from 2009. I know. I get it.

But, when I start to feel out of it, when I start to feel helpless, when I fade back to ICU, to the pain, being mute, not understanding what was going on….. when I remember, I feel that! It hits me over again.

There is no escaping this shit because as fast as I walk or even run, my mind goes with me, the blackness surrounds me, I am alone, I am afraid, I am drowning in memories, I am so cold.

It is so cold, I feel like I am being held down, I am paralyzed in fear. I am tormented by feelings I can feel that are not even real. I see the things… but they are not there. So, please do not tell me what can trigger my PTSD. It is triggered, gun has gone off, there is no stopping it.

And all I can do is hope you will see. Me. I need you so bad.

And all I can hope for is sleep. That morning comes soon as night is the worst place PTSD feeds on night. Night gives the flashbacks power.

I need your love, attention, support, hugs, touch and understanding even if you cannot understand…… I am terrified.

Just Tired…

I am tired. Tired of working hard to overcome anxiety, agoraphobia, all this shit. Days like this I feel like I am back where I started. I wish I were calm like last week. It was weird to feel absolutely no anxiety!

I am tired of feeling alone. I am not alone. (I am alone a lot) however, I feel more alone in a crowd of people as my anxiety lies and tells me no one cares, no one loves me.

I am scared. I am tired of being scared. I am trying to stay strong in the wake of this coronavirus shit. I survived H1N1…. that means nothing to my anxiety, to the PTSD that will soon haunt me, even in my dreams, …. it rears its ugly head.

I am tired of fearing PTSD. Tired of the nightmares when I am fully awake.

And I am tired of attitude and being treated as a child. I guess I am depressed and I hope it is fleeting, I hope it’s hormonal, because I do not want nor do I need to go back to the prison that was my house, my mind, my miserable existence just months ago.

This site… it is me. (I love themighty.com)

To the Girl With PTSD Who Is Scared at Night


We leave on Saturday to go to New Jersey and New York….

SURPRISE! Shit show! I suppose planning for a year😒 I should have expected drama over my going. Not feeling like my husband is feeling it, spending money, and with anxiety and agoraphobia, totally depressed.

It was a little depressed…. now though…I’m crying and sad. I want this trip but not as much as I want my husband to love me again. Yet, I know we need this trip. And I very much want to do it…..I’m anxious, 40, and have nobody to talk to here…. not really.

I’m in tears as I’m writing this because I’ve been doing SO well not being depressed. Perhaps, it’s a midlife thing? I had that at 25 about almost being 30. I am terrified of being older. I wanna see my friends and forget this place. But…. not as much as I want to be loved again. I can barely see through my tears. More later.

My 40th BIRTHDAY! I wanted a balloon!

I’ve NEVER felt so alone or disappointed as I do RIGHT NOW!

I’m going to be 40 Monday…. I’m alone In a parking lot the Saturday night before my birthday.

It’s amazing…. my toxic friends- sucked but remembered my bday. My REAL friend, lol, does not care. My dear husband works constantly but…. I guess I expected more. This is like graduating from college and getting nothing. FUCK EVERYONE IN GEORGIA THAT CALLS THEMSELVES MY FRIENDS.

I cannot wait to go up NORTH with my real friend’s… people that give a shit daily!

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