Against Myself

“It takes a lot more courage to let something go than it does to hang on to it, trying to make it better. Letting go doesn’t mean ignoring a situation. Letting go means accepting what is, exactly as it is, without fear, resistance, or a struggle for control. Letting go means standing still and letting the world, or a piece of it, crumble at your feet while saying to yourself, “Mmmm, that’s interesting!”

~ Ivania Vanzant

I’m currently in this situation. I’m trying to Elsa it.,..I let myself down by apologizing though I wasn’t wrong. Allowing myself to be shamed for having PTSD, allowing someone to put me down and rethink my purpose. Nobody should ever get the right to make anyone feel how I currently feel. But, I’m letting it go!

it feels so bad to be shamed for having a mental health issue, by someone I thought was a hood friend, that has their own issues. I’m not always innocent, I’m not a victim, but, I didn’t stand up for myself….it’s bothering me every moment. I let myself down to try to keep peace. But, now my own inner peace is missing….


From My BFF- Vacation With Agoraphobia.

*from Manda- I started driving 3 months ago! After 2 years. 10 years of depression, PTSD, functioning agoraphobia and then being mostly housebound. You are never alone and it CAN get better!Going out was miserable…… Drum roll, please……..

For anyone who deals with anxiety/panic attacks/depression and/or any other type of mental illness- I want to tell you how important it is to have at least ONE person in your life who understands what you’re going through, is empathetic, non judgmental, and accepts you for who you are. It makes such a difference.

My best friend, Manda, lives in Georgia. I live in New Jersey- that’s a good 850+ miles apart. We’ve known each other for over 20 years.

She’s been my rock and has been there for me through good and bad times, and Vice versa. We’ve had maybe two “fights” throughout our friendship- and each time we were able to talk through it and forgive each other (to be honest, I don’t even remember what the fights were about!)

We have different views on certain things- but the amount of love and respect we have for each other makes it so that we never offend each other, and we each know that we would never intentionally offend each other.

We both deal with severe anxiety and panic disorders and depression among other stuff – and we are always there for each other! We’ve overcome so much lately!

Manda and her husband were here from March 7th-March 12th. They FLEW here! That is HUGE for Manda! (I am PETRIFIED of flying. I’ve never been on a plane – I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get on one). I am so incredibly proud of her, because even though she was so scared and was so anxious, she did it !!!

**********This was someone who was agoraphobic about 6 months ago, then one day she got up and started driving again- and then started slowly going into stores. And then came here !!! I’ve been dealing with depression and awful anxiety recently (worse than ever!) and her coming here helped me tremendously. She gave me the courage, confidence and help I needed to help pull myself out of the dark place I’ve been in!******

When she got here, we kicked our anxieties ass! I drove us places (driving is super hard for me- I get bad anxiety when I drive) with no anxiety at all, we went into stores and restaurants (something that is not easy for Manda or myself).

We went into NEW YORK CITY (my happy place and Manda likes it but it can definitely make her anxious) to a restaurant (Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde), then to the Starbucks Reserve!!! – with little to no anxiety or panic! Even while driving through the Lincoln Tunnel!

While here, Manda took Uber to some places (something she’s not used to), and we even had a picnic in the park !!

We both did so amazing and overcame so many obstacles that would have thrown us into a panic attack (if we would have been alone we would have text or called each other at that point to help calm each other down).

So many times we think we can’t do certain things. We doubt ourselves. We say “I can’t.” While I don’t believe we should depend on others- it’s so important to have a good support system – even if it’s just one person who understands exactly what you’re going through.

Manda is my BEST FRIEND. She’s my SISTER. We had an amazing time while her and her husband were here. We laughed so hard our sides hurt.

Find yourself a Manda…. everyone needs a Manda in their life!

What if…

Choking on the air you’re breathing, screaming from deep inside. Silence fills the room around you, demons fill your mind. What if this, what if that…. why did I say that 3 years ago?

Shaking in your bed, holding on to anything sane, anything stable, your voice isn’t your own, who the fuck am I? Shaking inside, you can do this just get up, get up and face your life!

Get up, tremble, feel you’re passing out, there’s no air, no air to breathe, I’m dying. What if this and what if that…


Georgia, USA.

In the last few months, Georgia, has become a place I’m ashamed of but Atlanta has not.

Kemp is a total embarrassment and NO, I did not vote for him.

The senseless murder of Ahmaud Arbery, has people shaming Georgia because people think all WHITE southerners are racist.

That’s far from the truth. Atlanta is diverse, Atlanta is NOT Georgia. I have always joked that we’re separate from Georgia. Maybe, we are because…. murders happen here…. but, just… differently.

No place is perfect! No one is perfect! While we have our problems here in the metro… we are not a bunch of backwoods, sheep blowing, cousin screwing, kkk members.

I hoped with covid we’d be more united. Then shit happens, that I have nothing to do with, but I’m WHITE, in Georgia, and get shamed in news chat rooms.

I’m not even going to explain how I’m not completely Caucasian, or how I’m not racist, or how I’m deeply sickened by this innocent man’s murder. He wasn’t just a black man he was a human being!

I’m not going to defend myself, or my values, or my beliefs on social media. But, some people have it completely twisted. And the generalization that all Georgians or southerners are like those 3 pigs, is as bad, as being racists because in the end…. it 👏 IS 👏 ALL 👏 IGNORANCE 👏.

And it hurts my heart.


I would never physically hurt anyone…. but, if I could. I would stomp the shit out of Brain Kemp’s face.

I want to scream at him, make him understand, opening this state is a huge mistake! We have no 14 day plan! The numbers go up everyday. We have no peak yet.

I want to scream at him how it feels to almost lose your life because of a pandemic! How it feels to be intubated! The struggle of coming back from being so damn sick.

But, I can sit here… and cry because I know people, not I, will do the wrong things. I know people trust him. I know people think I’m an idiot.

I do not care- he’s the fucking moron. History will most certainly repeat itself- 1912 all over again because…. GOD forbid we not have bowling alleys open!

Don’t Panic!

We are in unchartered waters. We are sheltering in place, or not, we should be home. But, people are panicking and though, it’s understandable, it helps nothing.

It’s such a weird thing no planes going over my house, by the worlds busiest airport, reminiscent of 9/11. But, this enemy can’t get it’s ass kicked in a war with hands! Except doctors and nurses. Except, following social distancing rules, except keeping your hands off of your face.

I had ten…maybe more…panic attacks today. While looking at google, I found an article about what this woman learned from having H1N1. Why she’s not panicking….though we all know this is worse.

She became ill, the dr told her, she flipped shit, and walked into her bedroom, to quarantine herself. She went through hell…a hell that I know and recognize and not once did panic prevent it, nor worrying, that doesn’t help!

So, take care if each other. Stay in touch with social media. Video chat, do not allow yourself to get so very depressed. We will grieve our losses…losses of freedom for now, losses of seeing family, of celebrations and events. It’s okay! But, take care of yourself, stay busy, stay safe, stay home!

✌️❤️🌍 ☝️

A wish for ALWAYS!!

Bam! Purpose…

In 2009, I almost died. Pregnancy and the H1N1 virus did not mix. As you read this… you’ll realize I’m alive. 🙃🙃.

It hit me…occurred to me recently that I’m here for a reason. I’m helping a lot of people… with anxiety. I’m one of six people that run an online support group. I’m totally committed to this as it’s my passion.

So, maybe I went through ARDS, pneumonia, MRSA, sepsis….. for a reason. Maybe I survived for a reason. I’ve never thought of it until recently. (Losing our baby …. there’s no damn reason)! Perhaps I’m here to help my best friend or a stranger. I’m going to keep reaching out, keep busy, and yes …. Remember to take time for my own mental health (helping others and humor has always helped me.)

✌️ ❤️ 🌎 Unity!

The universe prepared me!

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